For many of us, Christmas is a time of great joy. For some, like me, I find Christmas to be very bittersweet. At Christmas, we spend time with our family and friends. There is something so special about having our loved ones close to us. Spreading joy and seeing the kiddos so happy. While all of this gives me such great feelings of happiness, I have a deep emptiness inside. I was 21 years old when my mom lost her 10 year-long battle with cancer. Never in my life have I felt to alone or so lost. I cried for months and still after 15 years I find myself crying several times a week because I long for her so badly. There are so many things I wish I could ask her. So many things I wish I could talk to her about. A few years after her death, I lost my brother at 24 years. Last January, I my dad passed at 60. While my dad had many health issues, his absence from my life had been very painful.
Christmas seems to intensify all of these feelings. It was my mom’s favorite time of the year. We all banned together after her passing to make the holidays still a special time for my baby brother who was 10 when my mother passed. But as time passed, our own families started to grow. But the emptiness still remained.
It was almost Christmas when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I thought that now that I had my own and child, maybe Christmas would be more exciting. I could create those wonderful memories for her that I had from my childhood. Maybe Christmas could be a happy time again.
We just celebrated our 7th Christmas with our daughter. While nothing on this Earth gives me so much joy to watch her on Christmas morning, I still feel that same sadness, which has been intensified by my father’s absence. I know my daughter senses it, she knows why. Is it selfish to feel sad? Maybe. Should you feel like you have to hide your emotions from your spouse and child? No, I don’t think so. Being able to share our feelings with each other is what being a family is all about.
Christmas is bittersweet. I try my hardest to make it the happiest time of the year for my family. In those quiet early morning moments is when I think of my parents and brother the most. It is my own private time for reflection and remembrance. We all deal with grief in our own way. Mine is quietly. Regardless of your circumstances, I hope you found joy and happiness this holiday season.
My 1850 Farmhouse 